Author: Dan Graning

Caring For All:   Sept 30, 2022    Del Larson, Certified Lay Minister

In my last post, I strongly suggested that you as a family communicate with family early regarding the end-of-life journey.  Healthcare Directives, Power of Attorney, and update your will.   Over the last couple of weeks, I have had to deal with two unique situations that correlate to this topic:

God is always working in our lives and God included me in a phone call that I received a week ago.

The woman on the phone was looking for a moving company. I tried explaining that I was not involved with any moving company.  She kept saying it was my number.  I looked up a couple of moving companies and gave her the numbers. I then gave her my name and number. I found out that she had my information. I was becoming concerned about her. She was in a nursing care center and was moving to an assisted living facility.  The connection is that she had contacted our church looking for assistance to get to church.  When I realized it was her that I sent an email, I was amazed at how God made this possible.

I went and visited with her and also the head nurse from the care facility.  She is moving from a large multiple-bedroom house to a one-bedroom assisted apartment.

Her husband died this spring, and she has no children.  The more I learned the more concerned I got.  She says she can handle everything and didn’t need any help from anyone. I had strong doubts about that.

This is what I talked about in my last post.  We all need to plan for our end-of-life journey, including couples without children. Who can help if you are the last survivor of the marriage?  As we age our memories and cognitive skills diminish.  That is why it is vital to have a plan in place. Planning should start early, so it is your plan and not someone else.

I appreciate hearing from you.  Positive or negative.  Remember what I said above.  Positive is always better.  I think we need more positives in this angry world.   My email is attached, or you can call the church and they will give you my number.

Feel free to respond, ask questions, or tell me what you think.

I hope that you can find one thing that will be helpful to you.  Email: larsondel@gmail.com

 

Topic 2—Talk With The Family

Around 1990, my siblings and I received a letter from our mother.   Why send a letter when I see them at least a couple of times a week?  Surprise!  She writes to tell us that she has Parkinson’s’ Disease.  At first, you wonder why she didn’t call each of us.  As you reflect, it was apparent that this was a difficult moment in her life.  Her beautiful letter told us that she didn’t want to call each of us because she wasn’t sure if she could maintain her composer, and say everything without breaking down.  For many of us, it is too easy to just take over, and tell our parents what they should do. In this letter, mom shared her strong faith in God and her closeness to her children.  There is a lesson here.  Adult children must work on their listening skills again as parents age.  Less talk, more listening.  Fewer questions, and more listening. I have seen in my ministry where adult children want to take control of everything.  When that happens, their parents lose their value, confidence, and self-confidence.  This is the time to start a conversation, if not before, with the family to see how we as children can be supportive of our parents.

You DO NOT want to tell them you will help and are going to every appointment with them so that you can make sure they are getting the information correctly. That starts the process of them feeling the loss of control of their lives.  Ask them how you can help.  Treat them with respect.  I imagine most of us will be in that situation someday. How do we want our kids to help us?  Guide them into including you on decisions, like giving up their driving, and eventually their home.  Be supportive and encouraging.  You may need to take control right away, but do it in a supportive way rather than just becoming the parent of your parents.  Transition is different for everyone.

I got frustrated once with my mother and her driving.  She had agreed that she would only drive to church, which would take her on very wide streets and not much traffic.  Before this, she had a couple of accidents that were her fault while driving. Then one day she decided to go downtown to get her hair fixed.  “It was just for an hour, and I drove very slow,” was her response.  I think you can see the problem with driving slowly.  At that moment, I told her if she was going to go downtown, she could drive herself to all appointments.   That hurt her, and I knew I was wrong.  We are human, and our emotions can get away from us occasionally. I’m hoping these topics help you avoid my mistakes.  My wife was working part-time and usually took them to their appointments.  I was very fortunate to have a supportive wife, who was always willing to help.  In emergencies, the staff helped me if I had to leave suddenly.

Your involvement will continue to increase, until the point when they enter a nursing home.  You will still be involved in their care, but there is a sense of relief knowing they are safe.  It was 1992 when I started journaling. Not only was it helpful in keeping track of the deterioration of my parents, but it also helped me to be able to look back to see what worked and what didn’t.  It was reassuring and comforting.

Focus:  Start talking to your parents while they are still able to care for themselves, and find out what they want if their health deteriorates.  If you are the elder, talk to your children. Tell them where your documents are located.  Do a healthcare directive and share it with your children.  I have seen a few times in my ministry, where parents do not share information, or have a healthcare directive. Update your will. This is a mess you don’t want to put on your children.  If you are alone or don’t have children to take care of you later, then find a close friend or relative.  You are going to need that support.

The next topic is Planning Ahead.  Feel free to respond, ask questions, or say what you think.

I hope that you can find one thing that will be helpful to you.  Email: larsondel@gmail.com

Del

Caregiving For All:   Del Larson, Certified Lay Minister

Topic 1:  First, you are not alone.  I admit that many times I have felt alone, and like I was drowning.  I was first responsible for my parents.  Oh, I had help in their care, but I was the captain of the ship.  There were times I had images of the Titanic sinking, and I was trying to hang on.  However, when I looked around there are many lifeboats that held my supportive wife, our children, friends, relatives, and colleagues standing and waving to me. They were there for me, reaching out to grab me and help pull me out.

Worry and fear, are very strong emotions that many of us have.  I admit I might have been in the top 10 for worriers when I first started.  Yes, I still worry today about my wife, but it is so much better than my reactions 30 years ago.

 

1. Journaling— Every time that issues, appointments, or calls came I put them in my journal. Eventually, when I became stressed out, I went back and read my journal. I saw all that was accomplished, and although my parents were getting worse, I was seeing that what we were doing was the best we could.  There is no doubt that God also worked with us. You will see how God has been there for us through this journey.  When I turned to God, fear and anxiety decreased.  Over time, as my faith grew, I realized how important it was to ask God for help.  My brother had an expression, “If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it!”

 

2. Take care of yourself— Stop thinking you can take care of everything. You can’t!  You will only make things worse by harming your health.  Then who will care for your loved one?  You have a home, a family, a job, and other things to take care of.  My wife was excellent about picking up some of my tasks and taking my parents to appointments.  My teenage children occasionally stayed with their grandparents when needed, including my son driving them at times.  My colleagues reminded me when I looked tired or got grouchy.   Friends and relatives called, or visited to see how we were doing. Taking care of my wife for the last few years has made me more aware of taking care of myself.  When I had back major surgery in March of 2021, I was in the hospital and rehabbed for two weeks.  My wife was home by herself, much of the time alone.  With the help of Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota, the caregiver group I belong to, our family developed a care plan that covered every situation. One time my daughter called, and felt that my wife was choking.  She immediately called our neighbor to check on her.  She was fine. Remember those who fail to plan, plan to fail.  With this plan in place, I was able to go ice fishing with my son and his two daughters this winter for 3 days.  Recently, I drove to Aberdeen, SD to visit my last remaining aunt. Nine hours I was gone, and my wife was covered for half of that time.  I have come to realize more and more that my health has deteriorated.  That is why I am taking the time for me to do the things that help me stay strong and sharp.  Driving for 6 hours was a soothing time.

 

3. My wife, who is in a wheelchair, but can transfer to other chairs and beds, calls me a helicopter caregiver. I am always checking on her and even installed a security camera.  I have cut back on its use because it beeped every time she moved, and started to follow her. It wasn’t healthy for me.  I had to have faith. The reduced time was better for me, as I am not interrupted every time she moves.  Luann also has a Life Alert, which detects falls, or if she pushes the button, help will be summoned.  It has happened one time.  She tipped over in her wheelchair on the balcony.  I had walked our daughter out but forgot my keys.  I tried to call Luann to let me in, but no answer.  I immediately called one of our neighbors, who is on our emergency list, to let me in.  911 was on the way, and my son called me because he got a call from Life Alert.  I was able to lift the chair off of her.  She only had a bruised ankle.  I tried to lift it again later, but there was no way I could budge it.  Thank God for creating adrenaline.

Del

 

Your feedback is always welcome. Feel free to send personal messages.  You can reach me at: larsondel@gmail.com

Welcome to the first post of Caregiving for All. As part of the United Methodist Church and Grace United Methodist Church of Moorhead, MN, I welcome you. You must be curious to learn more about caregiving, or perhaps you are faced with caregiving needs. These weekly, posts are for those needing care, as well as for those who are caregivers. It is equally important for younger family members to understand what caregiving is, and when to seek help and guidance. If you are new to this website, I encourage you to look at the link: Who We Are. This will give you some background about me. I am thankful that Grace United Methodist Church of Moorhead, MN is supporting my new ministry by allowing me to post my weekly chats on their website. I would appreciate your feedback, good or bad.

Because of Covid, I had to limit my ministry to online groups. Recently, I was asked to create a video for the Minnesota Conference of United Methodist Church on caregiving for Lay Leaders, like myself. I am about halfway completed. I had been asking God to direct me on where and what God wants me to do. God’s directions were pretty clear about caregiving and also writing. It is my goal to add to this story of caregiving every 7-10 days with another topic. I have been a caregiver for someone for over 30 years. It started with my parents with their Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s dementia. In 1990, my parents decided they needed someone to help them with their finances and medical care. My mother once dealt with millions of dollars a year for the U.S. Department of Agriculture. It was getting so that she couldn’t balance her checkbook. Also, my parents’ lawyer suggested they put their home in my name to protect it in the future. My three siblings agreed since all of them were out of town and not near enough to help.

My first topic: Preparing for Caregiving. My parents asked my father-in-law for help in finding a lawyer. The lawyer sat them down and shared with them the strategies that would work best for them. It is important to remember that no two families are alike. Each is unique. That is why it is so important to get good advice from someone you trust and who understands all the legal ramifications. That is why it is good to update your will when you reach retirement age, or before if you have health issues. Also, if you haven’t done or updated your Healthcare Directives, do so now. The lawyer made it clear that those who were not in close vicinity or have liabilities should not be on any documents. That left me, as the only choice. The middle child, who got in trouble with his brothers, and picked on his sister in the early years. This meant that I was on all their financial papers, and we created a Life Estate (the house was put in my name, but my parents had Tenancy Rights to live there for as long as they like).

About three years later, my mother got very sick and hallucinations started. She was hospitalized a couple of times, and was eventually put in a nursing home 45 miles from me, but much closer to my sister, and a few of my mother’s siblings. My dad, who could not live on his own was placed in an assisted living facility in our community. My sister did a good job of checking on her and I would see her once a week. Three weeks later, there was an opening so my dad could be with my mother in this new community. After talking with my sister, I made the decision that I would not put my dad with her, but wait until there was an opening back in Moorhead. My brothers were not happy with my decision, but they accepted it. Fortunately, two weeks later an opening came in a nursing home in our hometown, and my mother was back home. A week later, my dad was able to join her. For me, God was in charge of all the plans, and guided and supported me, especially when it came to difficult decisions. They spent the next four years in that nursing home together and died five months apart. They both went on Medicare assistance, with most of their care paid for by Minnesota. Their car, which they were allowed to keep for me to take them to appointments, was sold two years before they died. The following year I was required to sell their home, but I was able to keep 80%, $40,000, which I shared with my siblings after our parent’s death. It is much more difficult to do a Life Estate today, as the state has a longer look-back period to recover funds to help pay nursing home costs. You can’t hide your money and then request assistance. The $10,000 each of us got, was nice. I bought three famous paintings that I had always wanted. Our children each bought something to remind them of their grandparents. The rest was put away for school.

The Take Away: Don’t wait until it is too late to get financial advice from a responsible person. Let your children know, what you have, and where everything is located. DO NOT make it a guessing game for them. Don’t let your children or grandchildren direct you on what to do with property or finances. See a professional.

Del Larson

Your feedback is always welcome. Feel free to send personal messages. You can reach me at larsondel@gmail.com